I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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