I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
