hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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