I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize