i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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