my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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