TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
