I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
