11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
