your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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