I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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