I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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