I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
