you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
