I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
