Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
