Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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