dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
