i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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