I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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