we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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