You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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