I hate your face
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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