Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I think my moral compass just broke
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
