i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
