I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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