ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
did i walk over a car last night?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
