Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
