She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
