i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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