so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
