I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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