i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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