Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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