I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
