new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
