I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
