Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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