The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
