I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
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