1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
