For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
