Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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