Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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