Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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