chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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