someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
