"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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