Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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