wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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