I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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