I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
