Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
