I'm pants shitting drunk right now
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
