She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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