I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
