peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
